To the person full of hate tothebrotherswelost, October 24, 2023September 2, 2024 I hated my brother. I hated how easily he made fun of me and beat me up as a kid. I hated how stupid he was and how he was praised for barely passing classes with a “C” average. I hated how he received more attention from my parents than I ever did despite him being labeled as the “trouble child” and me being known as “the good kid.” I hated how much time he got to spend with my older brother because they were closer in age. And I hated how left out I felt when they started hanging out and doing things without me. I hated when people confused us as twins because I hated the thought that I resembled him in any way. I hated when they sent him to jail for supposedly having a gun on him for the simple reason that my mom and dad devoted so much time visiting him that I was left alone in the house to take care of myself. I hated that instead of trying to turn his life around after getting out of jail, he started to use drugs. I hated that I was sitting in the backseat of the car when I witnessed him casually take a hit of NAS. And I hated that all I did was stare at him as his head and eyes rolled back and he sat there motionless like a corpse. I hated that the last real conversation I had with him was when we were both in the backyard and he turned to me and told me that everything would only get worse from then on. I hated the fact that he was right. I hated that when I finally decided that I had enough of him, I just flat out ignored him. I hated that my parents tried to shame me into talking to him that I had to yell in their faces when they wouldn’t shut up and I told them that it was their fault that my brother was a fuck up because they never held him accountable for anything in his fuckin’ life. I hated that my dad kicked him out of the house the next day. I hated hearing stories of how he was trespassing into random houses just to have a place to sleep in until the law eventually caught up to him and he got arrested for breaking-and-entering. I hated that it was his third strike and he was taken away and deported all within a day. I hated that when I heard the news that my parents had lost track of him, I spent the next few days angry at the everything and everybody and I spiraled out of control and I ended up calling the suicide hotline because I figured, my parents lost two sons, I may as well be the third. I hated that even after my dad found him and set him up to live with my mom, he was still able to find a way to abuse drugs. I hated that my parents had to pay to send him to a rehab facility hours away. I hated the long drive that me, my parents, and my little brother had to take just to visit him. I hated seeing him so skinny and fragile and hungry. I hated that the drugs altered his brain so much that I knew I would no longer be able to have an honest conversation with him. I hated crying on the drive back home because I hated that I saw so much of me in his eyes. And I hated that I was so blind with hate that I failed to see things from his perspective. How he must have hated being seen as a “troubled child”. How he must have hated being seen as the stupid one in the family that wouldn’t amount to anything. How he must have hated the whole world after losing his closest brother. And how he must have turned to drugs as a way to deal with all the hatred inside of him. I hate that I realized far too late that he needed help. And now, I hate feeling so guilty. Share this:TwitterFacebookMorePrintEmailRedditTumblrPinterestWhatsAppLike this:Like Loading... Stories AnxietyBreaking NewsDepressionLifeLoveMental Healthnew postPersonalPoemWriting
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Stories To the child who blames himself for everything April 7, 2024July 28, 2024 I hope this letter helps. I hope it’s not too late. Because none of it is your fault. And by none of it, I mean your dad’s drinking. You never once put the beer in his hand or made him drink it all down, So there’s no need to keep… Share this:TwitterFacebookMorePrintEmailRedditTumblrPinterestWhatsAppLike this:Like Loading... Read More
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Very insightful How’s your brother doing right now? Are you guys still keeping in touch or have you guys already gone your separate ways? Reply
Wow. What an incredibly heartbreaking story. If I can encourage you, there is still hope. The past is the past, and I’m not even going to pretend that it’s not been tragic and torrential. And I won’t pretend things can magically change in an instant, but as long as you have breath in your body, there is hope. There is forgiveness. There is love. And it is for you, and if he is still alive, it is even for your brother who is so lost. I don’t give this as a trite or a cliche of an answer. It is truth: John 3:16 is for you. … I’ll be praying for you and for your family. Reply
Wow, this is heavy stuff. I can see why this would make you feel weighed down. Like MG said, we can’t reverse the past. All we can do is try to hope for the best in the future. Sounds like we both have complicated relationships with our brothers. Thank you for sharing this. I’m going to see my parents on Friday, and I think I’ll write my little brother a note. Maybe it will reach him in a way nothing else has been able to. Reply
I hate that you feel guilty about the decisions your brother made. Each soul has it’s own journey. It’s your duty to be all that you are. Live your life to the maximum degree and understand that his path is his own to travel. Drop that guilt and forgive yourself. Have you ever really lived for YOU? Reply
I appreciate your words. I’m currently working on letting go of the guilt. “Understand that his path is his own to travel” I will take that into consideration. Reply
Powerful writing and expression, hate and anger make a heavy and debilitating burden, I hope you and your brother are each able to set that burden down and leave it there, Sending you and your family best wishes. Reply
This is heartbreaking. How is your brother today? How are you? It’s natural that you hated him at the time he abused you… and that you hated him being in the center of the attention. You must have felt abandoned and not so important as he is. But none of your brother’s issues is your fault. We usually realise things when it’s quite late for us to change anything. That’s everybody’s story. I know it must be very hard for you not to hate yourself, even though I can tell you that you don’t have a reason to do it, but sometimes emotions take control of us… The stories you tell on this blog are important to listen to. Thank you for sharing this. Reply
Hello Mate. My brother is doing okay. We both are doing okay. A lot of twist and turns have happened in my family life, but at the end of the day, we are trying to move forward. I know that’s a vague response, but it’s just a lot to write about. But overall, things are okay. And that’s better than bad. Yes, the self-hate and the guilt can be a lot to manage at times, but writing these stories does help to get those emotions out, so I am thankful that you have spent time reading them and hopefully they have helped you in some way. Keep in touch. – E Reply