To the child who blames himself for everything

Because none of it is your fault.
And by none of it, I mean your dad’s drinking.
You never once put the beer in his hand or made him drink it all down,
So there’s no need to keep blaming yourself every time he stumbles home angry and drunk.

By none of it, I mean the arguments at home.
He yells and pushes your mom around because of his own insecurities,
Not because you’re doing anything wrong by spending all of your time with her instead of him.

By none of it, I mean all the beatings he gives you.

You’re an 8 year old kid for fuck’s sake.
Nothing you’ve ever done can justify him hitting you with an iron cord or belt.

And I know his words sometimes hurt more than his beatings.
But you’re not worthless, no matter how many times he insists.

And I understand why you run away and hide.
Why you keep all to yourself.
And why you spend so much of your time crying alone.

But if I could be with you every time you fill up the bathtub with water, I would.
At least to keep you company when the pain becomes unbearable.
Maybe then, those thoughts of drowning yourself wouldn’t consume you.

And I realize it’s easy for you to blame yourself for everything.
And how hard on yourself you can be.

But believe me when I say this,
You truly are such a wonderful kid.

I’m just sorry nobody ever took the time to tell you.
Because despite of all of the bullshit you’re going through,
You still won’t give up on people.

That’s such an amazing gift that you carry.
Please, don’t let anyone take it away from you.

Because growing up for you won’t get any easier.
And you’ll experience heartbreak after heartbreak.
And more loss than you can imagine.

So please, in the midst of all the chaos, try to be more kind to yourself.

Because you’ll find that those thoughts of drowning will never leave you.
And they’ll cloud your days when the guilt overwhelms you.

But that’s the moment we need you the most.
That’s when we need you to come out of the shadows.
And we will need you to use that gift of yours to push us through.

To keep our hope alive and make us believe that better days are coming.

So, that we can truly see just how beautiful the world can be.
And it really is beautiful.

Because…

For a brief moment in time, you’ll find a friend who understands.
And they’ll hold your hand to guide you…
And they’ll gently remind you…
To just keep swimming…
Even if you never learned how.